


Fill the Absence

by Officer_Jennie



Series: BadThingsHappenBingo [5]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Meddling with death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 11:24:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20488121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Officer_Jennie/pseuds/Officer_Jennie
Summary: and hope it is good you fill it with





	Fill the Absence

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Came back wrong

No matter how well he’d known it would come to this, Tobirama had never been prepared to be alone.

The rain felt cold on his skin. It fell as if it wanted to mock them with a cliche, seeping into the loose dirt mounded up over his brother’s resting place. The civilians and priest and all the clan dignitaries had trickled away over the last few hours but Tobirama found himself unable to move, rooted to the spot and staring blankly at the stone newly engraved with Hashirama’s name; his body shaking, knuckles white from clenching his fists too tight.

Mito clung to his arm, fingers digging into his sleeve, tears streaming down her cheeks despite her stoic composure. Something she clung to in her desperation for normality, trying her best to not break over the weight of loss and grief they shared.

He envied that she could feel at all. All Tobirama could feel was empty, as if Hashirama had ripped the life from him as well when he’d finally breathed his last and fallen. Empty felt worse than pain, than the crashing guilt that had come with his little brothers’ deaths so many decades before. It felt as if no amount of air could ever help him truly breathe, his body light and heavy in all the wrong ways as he just _stood there_, rooted to the spot and certain this had to be a mistake.

It wasn’t his dream that had built the village. Hadn’t been his hand the Uchiha shook and made peace with, nor his voice so many had followed. Without the comfort of the ever present shadow, the world felt suffocating and too large, and Tobirama felt _small_.

Small and alone in a world that shouldn’t be his.

Knowing that there was nothing he could’ve done didn’t make it any easier. Where the nights used to be his, peaceful and silent as they were, now they were poisoned by thoughts that never let him be. _It should have been me_, his mind would play on repeat. _Anija should have lived, not me. Not me, not me, not me not me_. Images of his brother danced in front of his eyes, ghosts of brilliant smiles dark and fading as the days dragged on without him.

His house lost its warmth. The plants drooped and hung over their pots, starving to death without their caretaker. Dust already started collecting on the desk and futon Hashirama used to inhabit. The floral tea pot and all its matching cups went unused where they sat on the kitchen table, cold tea growing mold where Tobirama refused to pitch it. Mito’s presence in the shared home became scarce, her bags packed and then gone when she decided to leave the mainland for an undetermined amount of time.

“It’s too much,” she’d whispered to him, her hand so tight on his that it hurt. The hot afternoon had been buzzing with insects and sweltering, the cool of the porch shade doing nothing to touch the heat. “How does one fill a space left by such a man?”

_One doesn__’t_, he’d fought not to say, only managing by biting his tongue. Hashirama had been too large in life to not leave a scarring impact in death.

When Mito left, sailing back to her home for the first time since her engagement, Tobirama found no one to turn to in his empty grieving. The village continued growing as the summer passed into fall, into winter, into spring. Skirmishes broke out on the borders of their country but nothing ever came of them, the passing of power to the nidaime causing a wrinkle in the peace that was smoothed back out in short time. Under his rule, the academy flourished, a police force that answered directly to him was created, and the tower’s efficiency became a top priority – but none of it mattered to him.

It all felt dull. Lifeless. Clinical in a way that Hashirama never would have loved. But it was the only way Tobirama knew how to live, and so he slowly cut the joy out of what his brother had sculpted by hand.

Tobirama stared at his own one evening, down in the cold fluorescent of his laboratory. Pale things that had never gifted life of any sort to the world, only tore down and dissected. Corrected what was there until it was unrecognizable.

Was it too late to change that?

In the weeks and months that passed after, the hokage was rarely seen. Meetings were the only real time his council members knew he was still around, his office uninhabited despite how not a single missive or document went unsigned or read. Even his house never had a light shinning through the window, his presence absent from the village he was running at a distance.

The few left who knew him didn’t bother trying to drag him out of his lab, aware that he’d only lock them out. Even his students stayed away, seeing the dark circles under his eyes when they chanced upon him in the tower, how bloodshot his already red eyes seemed.

It was for the best, so Tobirama didn’t take offense. His project needed to stay secret.

This wasn’t the first time Tobirama had dabbled in the taboo. Almost all of his childhood had been focused around hiding his research and notes from his father, later in life from his brother - it was something that was second nature more than anything else by now. Coding even the smallest of notes, sealing his books away behind hidden portions of the wall. Spending so much time away from the public might not have been in his favor but time mattered more to him then, the time necessary to throw himself at what he hoped beyond hope would be a success.

Near the end of his third year without his brother, he returned to his lab with dirt under his nails, a fractured white shard of bone clutched in one had. It’s all he would need. The last piece to make the sun rise up over his world and make the empty space full once more.

A stray thought told him he should have asked Mito’s permission, but he disregarded it as quickly as he had the social norms concerning his project. With it all out of his way and gone, he set about cleaning the living room, furniture pushed out of the way and floor wiped pristine to make sure no contaminants could ruin his seals. The lines went down smooth as he ran the chalk over his wood flooring, steady hand belying his nerves, sweat beading on his forehead despite the cool of the night air coming in through the windows.

They had to be shut. He closed up his house and locked the doors, the windows, activated his privacy seals and traps as well. No one was to come in or leave without his say.

An hour was spent just looking over the seals. Triple checking each line, obsessing over the curves and cross sections. Nothing could be out of order, nothing could destroy this chance for him to finally _feel again_.

Finally, after his hands were shaking with stress, breaths shuddering and eyes straining, Tobirama stood back and just _breathed_. Breathed in whatever calm he could beg from the quiet of the world outside his home, from the gods that he could never prove or disprove, from the ghosts that still haunted his every waking step.

Calm. He had to be calm. Any misstep could cause his chance to be ruined, and Tobirama would not allow even himself to get in his way.

When at last his lungs did not shudder from each breath, Tobirama allowed himself to step forward. He crouched down at the western side of the seals, focusing his chakra into the palm and fingertips of his right hand. Just the right amount. Too much, and he could overheat the seals. Not enough, and they would be useless.

His mastery of fuinjutsu worked in his favor. Placing a palm against one chalked out line activated the seals just as he’d wanted, and Tobirama stood back as they began to glow a soft blue. The light spread out from the chakra focal point, following the cross lines, expanding out until he had to glance behind him to make sure the curtains were pulled shut lest someone see the light show.

Less fanfare would have been more to his taste. He frowned as the glowing grew in intensity, wondering where in the seal designs he might have gone wrong and caused such an effect to take place. A flicker of concern crossed his mind whenever he realized that the glow was more than likely _using chakra_ \- wasted chakra that now couldn’t be used in the seals proper purpose.

But that concern was ultimately unnecessary. With as much fanfare as the glowing was, his appearance had none. As Tobirama pondered drearily whether he’d have to recreate the seals, another being popped into existence in his living room.

His breathing stalled. Long brown hair splayed around the body. Dark tanned skin bare to the room and already chilling from the night air. But the body was still. Still and _there_ but not moving and Tobirama couldn’t find it in him to move either, afraid of the silence that might meet him if he so much as twitched or said a word.

What had he done? Had he brought back only a lifeless form? With a shuddering breath, Tobirama dared to take a step forward, blinking back the moisture threatening to spill out of his eyes.

Then Hashirama stirred before him. A low groan escaping his body. And Tobirama was moving.

His brother seemed disoriented, blinking in confusion when Tobirama rolled him over into his lap. With shaking hands Tobirama took one of his wrists to check his pulse, counting and recounting just to be sure it wasn’t abnormal or in any dangerous levels.

A bit above normal. Nothing to be worried about, as long as it evened out in time. His breathing was a touch fast as well, though, and his whole body shivering as if it were cold and not just a little chilly in the room.

Tobirama cursed himself then, searching around for a blanket he could fetch his brother. He prided himself on being observant and yet he’d entirely forgotten how warm his brother’s body usually ran - Hashirama had never been able to take cold or cool weather nearly as well as most others could.

No blankets in sight. He gathered up his brother in his arms, holding him close as he stood up and walked him towards his bedroom. The bedroom might have been cooler than the rest of the house but there were blankets a plenty piled up on his futon, one of which being the large fur quilt his brother had given him over a decade before. His brother gripped the fur blanket tightly when he wrapped it around him, still wide eyes blinking up at him in his disorientation.

Tobirama sat down next to his brother on the futon for hours, petting his hair, shushing his worries until his shaking stopped. Once the shaking died down, Hashirama’s eyes slowly slid closed, his breathing evening out as he slipped unconscious for the night. But even after his brother was asleep, Tobirama couldn’t bring himself to move from his side, fingers working through his hair slowly, over and over, as if that single connection between them was all that made this _real_.

He’d done it. He’d brought his brother back. Just the thought had his breath shuddering out, eyes closing as he bent over his brother’s sleeping form, holding him tight.

It was a little too early for any sort of celebration, however. He allowed himself a few minutes to soar inwardly, rejoicing with a soft smile and a stray bit of moisture leaking out of one eye, but that was all he allowed himself. The seal creation might not have been rushed but he’d done little planning on what to do if it succeeded, and now that Hashirama was there he didn’t exactly have much time left to do so.

The outside world could wait, of course. He just needed to think and plan, to make sure everything had gone right. Just because he’d managed to bring Hashirama back didn’t mean it had gone _well_.

Better than he’d allowed himself to hope, in any case.

The night was spent deep in his own mind, just down the hall from his room in his home office. Both of the doors were kept ajar so that he could still hear his brother’s soft snoring, could hear if it became labored or if his brother stirred at any point. His brother thankfully slept peacefully on until well passed sunrise, giving Tobirama plenty of time to think on the potential issues bringing him back might have caused.

Just as the sun peaked in through his window, Tobirama stretched out his sore legs, rubbing the sting away from his eyes as best he could. After his brother had passed, there had been no one around to continuously fix his vision, and it had gotten to a point where even candlelight made it difficult to see past dusk.

Hopefully, Hashirama wouldn’t be against healing them sometime in the near future. A benefit he hadn’t even thought of when he’d been drafting the seals. He smiled ever so softly to himself at the reminder, getting up and making his way to the kitchen to fix them both some breakfast.

It had been the reason Hashirama had started learning iryou ninjutsu in the first place. Helping his little brother with his many health issues, from his ever degrading eyesight to his sensitive skin. As he’d grown older, most of his issues with sunlight had diminished, their growing access to more medical supplies and knowledge also making it much easier to deal with.

Wasn’t exactly the purpose he’d brought him back for - not that there’d really been a _purpose_ behind it beyond simply wanting him back. Wanting to feel his warm and heavy chakra about him, see his obnoxiously beaming smile again, know he had someone to come to when no one else could understand him. All Tobirama had wanted was _his brother back_, and now that he _did_ everything else seemed surreal and hyper focused all at once.

Movement down the hall drew his attention away from his jumbled mess of thoughts, Tobirama instantly on his feet and heading back to his room. His brother had always been an early riser so it was no surprise to hear him trying to move about, though hearing it had a twinge of something bittersweet shoot through his chest.

How long had it been since he’d had such intimate knowledge of his brother’s habits? So much had been lost to time and grief after his brother’s passing; feeling small portions coming back then had his feet a bit lighter, breath a bit quicker as he poked his head in to check in on Hashirama.

He found him seated at the edge of his futon. Body facing the window, head tilted back, eyes shut as the sun warmed his face and bare skin. Hair spilling across his back, a slight breeze coming in where he’d opened the window, the light and breeze and sound of birdsong coming in making every part of it feel so _alive_.

Tobirama didn’t want to disturb him. Didn’t want to break whatever spell had brought his brother back to him, alive and _breathing_ and with a soft smile that reminded him of all the quiet evenings they’d spent over the years existing in the same room while off in their own worlds.

But no amount of mere well-wishing and hopes would guarantee his brother’s wellbeing. Tobirama drunk in the moment and then stepped into the room, coming over to sit next to his brother on the futon.

“Anija?”

Hashirama opened his eyes and looked at him, and it was all Tobirama could do not to cry in relief at that simple act. Because his brother was _looking_ at him, sitting there in the sun as if he’d never been run through and killed like a common animal.

“’Anija.’” His brother echoed his words, nose and forehead wrinkling while Tobirama drunk in the sound of his voice _after so long_. “That means we are siblings, yes?”

Reality hit Tobirama like ice and left him staring at the bare man in front of him. The man who was looking right back at him without the typical warmth that always kissed his face when around his precious little brother. But Hashirama was _there_, right there in front of him - him not recognizing Tobirama made no sense.

He shook his head, scooting an inch closer to his brother, telling himself that reaching out to touch him at that moment would be a mistake. “Of course it means that we’re siblings; don’t ask such nonsense, Anija.”

“How was I supposed to know that?” Tobirama felt his heart sinking further and further with each word, with the confusion written right across his brother’s face. “I don’t remember ever meeting you before.”

No. Tobirama reached out and touched his brother’s shoulder, retracting it like it had burned whenever his brother shifted away from the contact.

No, no it couldn’t be like this. He was there, he was _right there_, and yet-

And yet.

He’d failed. Somehow, somewhere in the process of making the seals, Tobirama had _failed_, and he might have brought his brother back but it wasn’t _his brother_.

“Anija.” The name meant nothing to the man seated next to him, but Tobirama whispered it anyway, staring down at the space between them. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to- I’ll, I’ll fix this. I promise, I’ll make it better.”

Hashirama hadn’t come back with his body. All the decades of memories, of love and laughter and scolding and fights and _so much more_ \- lost as it all had been when he hadn’t been breathing, when his heart hadn’t been beating as it was _now_, again.

He had always been Tobirama’s rock. The person he could always count on to never change, no matter how the world crashed around him and tried to disturb his roots. But the world had taken Hashirama from him and had _kept him away_ despite his best efforts.

Blanket clenched in his hand, Tobirama fought back the sob that wanted to shake him to his core, swearing over and over until his voice was hoarse that _he would fix this_, would make it better, all better as his brother had over and over and over for him over the years. Swore it until Hashirama forced him to be quiet, with a tentative arm sneaking around his shoulders, bare chest soon soaked with all the tears Tobirama hadn’t been able to spill at his funeral.

He’d failed him, as he’d failed him so many times before. Except this time there was no way to gain his brother’s forgiveness _because Hashirama was gone_.

**Author's Note:**

> and then somehow Tobirama finds a way to bring Hashirama's memories back, Mito returns from Uzushio, they live as one big happy family happily ever after because my poor little rabbit heart can't take it any other way


End file.
